I know this is totally off topic, but I’m still best friends with a guy I was best friends with in high school (that’s a long time for those of you who know me and my age). For those of you who don’t know my age, I’ve been 29 for a very, very long time. We were talking the other day and it made me thing of this topic. But I digress…

To all of the pre-teen and teenage girls out there right now, let me tell you something my mother never told me. And God I wish she would have because it would have made a couple years of my life so much more endurable.

You are beautiful. You may not think you are right now. And right now  you may be right. But you will, I promise, at some point in your life, blossom. Some of us blossom early (as did my 14 year old daughter and part of the reason I posted this) and some will blossom late.

My 14 year old daughter when through a “lurpy” stage when she was younger, where she swore she would never be super-model pretty and hated her looks. Now, I can’t take her out of  the house without guys looking at her (include much older men who should keep their eyes to themselves) and sometimes I stop and look at her and say to myself, “How in God’s name does she look at 14 almost exactly how I looked at 19?” Yeah I’m getting a shotgun this weekend.

The point is, no matter what you look like right now, don’t let it ruin what should be some of the best years of your life. Kids (and people in general)  can be mean. Cruel even. And looks play a large role in how you are treated because we live in a superficial capitalist society (you’ll learn more about that in college). And those girls who are mean to you? Well my sister was an early bloomer who thought she was “the shit” and now she couldn’t get a boyfriend if her life depended on it because later on in life, after you blossom, your personality is going to count just as much as your looks and those early bloomers who were treated like gold at your age, just because of how they looked, are already going to be fading and their personalities aren’t going to get them very far. Mean people just suck and they don’t get far. It’s true.

So what does this have to do with you? If you’re being picked on, bullied (or cyber-bullied) or just think you aren’t pretty enough, I promise some day you will bloom into the beauty (inner and outer) that you were meant to become. It happened to me (and I will admit I abused it) and it has happened to every woman I know at some point in her life. We all bloom and blossom and we all eventually fade. Had I known in junior high or high school what I know now, I would have done things a lot differently. I wouldn’t have bent over backwards to “fit in” and do the “popular” thing. I would have done whatever the hell made me happy because years from now those girls are going to want to be your friend anyway because of who you become. But that’s the key. You need to motivate yourself to become the best you possible. Don’t starve yourself to death, but eat healthy. My daughter is 14 and gorgeous and she thinks she’s fat. She’s a size 8. That, my dears, is not fat. Marilyn Monroe would  have been considered fat in today’s day and age. So why do you feel fat if you’re not? Because, again, you live in a capitalist society that tries to dictate your thoughts and the image of beauty that is forced in your face every day is unattainable but, hell, it sure gets you girls (and grown women) to fork over money for diet pills and health club memberships.

Remember, always, that beauty is subjective and what is most important is how you treat people. Because beauty comes and goes, but how you treat people will stay with you for life. And the girls your age who are so beautiful it makes you green with envy? They have their own problems. As I said, my daughter was a rather early bloomer. Yet she’s also bi-polar and prone to severe mood swings and serious bouts of rage and depression with a temper that is quick to flare. So remember, no matter what the packaging looks like, no one is perfect. Be happy with who you are and focus on your strengths, not what society deems your strengths should be. Do what makes you happy, and find friends that don’t give a damn about the packaging and keep them close when you do bloom (that is going to be the hard part) because at that point, everyone will want to be your friend and not all friends are created equal.

Bottom line? Before you know it you’re going to be stressed with a mortgage and worried about making partner at some firm or climbing the corporate ladder or even just providing for your family. Don’t take this time, when you should be having fun and enjoying every minute of life, and waste it on worrying about whether or not you measure up or if you’ll ever be popular. Because once you graduate high school, none of that crap matters. If you haven’t bloomed yet, you will, and when you do remember who your real friends are and remember how you wanted to be treated before you did, and treat all others that very same way. It will,  inevitably, pay off much better than trying to fit some mold  now that you were never meant to fit.

Beauty is subjective, and always will be. Just smile. You never know who is falling in love with your smile and your personality and trust me, you don’t want a guy who just wants to date you or be with you for your looks alone.

You are beautiful. The only problem is others, and possibly even you, don’t see it yet.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here but I’m going to give everyone a sound bit of advice.If you are in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD and is also a sociopath or a narcissist, get out of that relationship before you get pulled under. A highly-functioning BPD individual can make you believe anything they want you to believe, and when you crash and burn in the midst of their abuse and lies and are left wondering what the hell just happened, your world will never be the same.

They will tell you they will change. They won’t. They will make promises, and will break them. They will claim to love you, but they only love themselves. These individuals are completely incapable of love as you and I know it. They care only about themselves and will say whatever it takes to further their ends, even if that means destroying who you are as a person in the process.

Not everyone with BPD is like this, but the ones who really don’t want to change but pretend they do are the most dangerous. Because they can put on a good act. They can pretend with the best of them. They can really make you believe that they love you when in the end all they are really doing is using you for one reason or another. If they claim to love you, don’t believe them. Get the hell out and don’t look back.

For those of you who have BPD and actually do want help, this doesn’t apply to you.This is for those BPD monsters who are so sick and perverse that they have absolutely no remorse for what their actions do to others, and they will hurt you. It’s only a matter of time. Once the abuse cycle starts, it will never stop.There may be breaks in between while these monsters are pretending to “change” but they never really change who they are at their core.They are just playing you like a nice deck of cards.

I don’t say this lightly but I mean it.The world would be a better place without people like this in it. If you find yourself in such a relationship, there are three things you need to do.

  1. Realize that no matter how scary being alone may seem, it’s a hell of a lot better than the hell these whack jobs will drag you through.
  2. Realize that YOU are not the problem no matter what they say. They are the problem and have been since the day they set their sites on ruining other people’s lives.
  3. They will not change, no matter how many promises they make They may pretend to.They may even fool you But in just a few short days, weeks, or maybe even months their true colors will show again and you will be right back where you started.

Don’t let these evil people abuse you and tear down your world and your sense of self.Stay the hell away from them. Otherwise you get trapped in a web you never saw coming and life starts seeming less and less worth living as they suck any meaning, joy, and purpose you once had away. You can’t help them. You can’t fix them. The only thing you can do is run from them.

I Left Chicago

Posted: May 14, 2015 in Misc

I know it has been so long since I’ve posted but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about my blog or my readers. I’ve just been busy. Really really busy.

Contrary to what everyone who has ever known me thought I would ever do, I moved away from Chicago. Away from my deep roots. Away from the double-edged sword that is my family. I also moved away from family and friends I miss dearly, but it was a good move.

I moved to Florida! Yes, this Chicago girl is now living in a charming little 3,000 sq ft new construction home on the Gulf Coast of Florida, complete with a palm tree in my front yard. The kids love it. I must say I did not miss the winter weather of Chicago as I donned shorts and t shirts in December and January. Apparently the winter this year was unusually cold down here. I didn’t notice. Seemed tropical to me.

We live in a “rural” area that is away enough from tourist areas to be private and quiet but close enough to be within a few hours drive to any tourist location we could want to visit. I am definitely enjoying this semi-retirement. And my kids don’t have to grow up in the middle of the politics and drama that surround my family back in Chicago. That is a huge plus.

My grandmother moved with us. As did my parents and sister (not sure if that’s a good thing yet). They don’t live with us of course. My grandmother moved into a retirement community that is more resort than it is retirement home and my parents and sister have houses about 30 minutes away.

I have so much to update but so little time. Now that things are settled I can start writing more. I’ll be sure to be giving more updates and information soon!

Okay, as I stated in my “I’m Back” post, I got pregnant and had a baby since the last time I posted on here. The pregnancy was a difficult one due to a high risk factor plus the fact I was pregnant with arthritis and polymyalgia. To make a long story short, my doctors consulted one another (the rheumatologist, my primary care doctor, and my OB) and decided that the benefits of me continuing my oxycodone use during pregnancy far outweighed the risks.

When I was told I needed to stay on my pain meds throughout pregnancy, I was a bit conflicted. I even tried weaning myself off of the meds without telling my doctors because I didn’t like the idea of taking such high amounts of opiates while I was pregnant. Not taking the pain meds left me completely immobile, and I had 5 other kids to take care of, so that was not going to be an option. I tried to research anything and everything I could on the Internet about oxycodone and pregnancy, and found little to no information. No studies have been done, obviously, so there was no data to pull from. But it made me paranoid every time I had to take a pill. So if you are pregnant and have been prescribed oxycodone or oxycontin or Percocet during pregnancy, I’ll share my own experience with you. I can’t promise you that your experience will go the same way if you take oxycodone during pregnancy, but I can tell you what I myself experienced. Also, I have to say I am not a doctor and cannot give you medical advice and I am not telling you that you should  take oxycodone when pregnant because I’m not opening myself up to that liability. I am just telling you about my own personal experience. With that being said, I will say if you are NOT prescribed oxycodone during pregnancy, DO NOT take it. If you need it and your doctors prescribe it, that’s one thing. If you do not need it and you take it recreationally, that is not okay.

How Much Oxycodone Was I Taking?

At first I was taking one 15 mg pill 5 times a day. This was oxycodone, not oxycontin or Percocet. The difference is that oxycontin is time-released. Oxycodone is not. Percocet has Tylenol in it. Oxycodone does not. Eventually, at about 7 months pregnant, I had weaned myself down to one 15 mg pill in the morning, one 15 mg pill in the afternoon, and a half a 15 mg pill at night. So at the end of my pregnancy, in total, I was taking about 37.5 mg of oxycodone a day.

My doctor told me my baby “might” have withdrawals when she was born. I was freaking out about it. Every day I would search the Internet trying to find studies that indicated what her chances were of actually going through withdrawal. Nothing is out there. There is no data to research. No studies to reference. But I figured, if I breast fed her and then weaned her off of the breast milk, she wouldn’t withdraw since there would be trace amounts of the drug in my breast milk. I thought this might work in theory, but really had no idea because the doctors didn’t have any answers and I had no idea how much of the drug was getting through the placenta or how much would get through my breast milk. It did, however, work. My daughter did not suffer a single symptom of withdrawal.

I should also mention I was taking prenatal vitamins in addition to 4mg (mg, not mcg) of folic acid a day to counteract any effects the oxycodone might have been having on her. The folic acid I used I got from Amazon.com because it was cheap and effective. It was the Nature Made Folic Acid 400mcg, 250 Tablets (Pack of 3). I popped ten of those suckers a day. Literally, ten a day because folic acid comes in much smaller doses than what they wanted me to take.

So to sum it up, I took my medication as prescribed, ate right, took my vitamins and folic acid, prayed every morning and night, and my daughter was born perfectly healthy and suffered no withdrawals at all. If you are pregnant and are taking pain killers that have been prescribed to you and you are worried and want to ask me any questions at all feel free, because I remember what a nervous wreck I was when I was pregnant and didn’t know if my daughter was going to suffer withdrawals after birth or not. I thank God she didn’t.

I’m Back

Posted: July 4, 2014 in Misc

Yes, I have been gone for a very long time. A lot has happened. My life isn’t perfect but it’s getting better. I have a lot of information to share, however, with lots of different people who might need it so you can expect quite a few posts in the coming months.

Let’s see, what’s happened since my last post?

Oh! I had a baby. Not the baby I was adopting. See I was adopting that baby and then I got pregnant and actually had a baby too. She’s three months old now. I don’t know how some people do it. I’m blessed, but there are people who have to diaper three or four kids at once who don’t have jobs or own businesses. I have two in diapers and I feel like they literally eat money.

Speaking of money, I’ve been thinking of starting some kind of fund or grant program for people who can’t afford lawyers but need to fight DCFS. I’d like all of your feedback on that.

Oh, Mr. BPD, well he’s still an asshole with problems but he’s in a 12-step program. Two of them actually. So my life in that regard has gotten easier. Not to mention my uncle who was away for a while came back and basically told him if he didn’t knock his shit off, Mr. BPD was going to sit locked in a cage with a 90-inch monitor and watch…. Well I can’t go there. Let’s just say he’s been on his best behavior. And all I have to do is mention my uncle’s name and he freezes like a deer in headlights. I guess some people do have to be motivated by fear. Never really believed in that before.

Oh and my son went to jail for about 18 hours. For beating the hell out of Mr. BPD. This was before my uncle came back. My 18 year old son thinks he has to take care of his mom, although I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Mr. BPD wasn’t being violent. Hasn’t since that one night about 4 years ago where he almost landed himself in jail for 15 years. But he was being a raging ass. My son got fed up and before I knew what was happening Mr. BPD was on the ground and my son was on top of him. Mr. BPD walked away with 2 black eyes and a broken nose. My son got a $150 fine in the end. My mother pulled strings, which she rarely ever does.

My business managed to survive my 6 months of bed rest and 3 weeks of recovery from the c-section. I know they say don’t go back to work for 6 weeks. I telecommuted after allowing myself to heal for 3 weeks because my assistant was ready to kill herself by that time.

This pregnancy was a challenge. It literally almost killed me. But my beautiful daughter is worth every second of the pain. In fact, I don’t even remember much of it. Just that I said I would never get pregnant again, and I won’t. Had my tubes tied.

I now have a total of 6 kids living under my roof. Two will be ready for college in a year or two. I’m afraid of what college costs are going to look like in 18 years considering what it’s going to cost to send these two.

I hope all of you have been well.

Hello readers. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things have been more than hectic. In fact, hectic is a very big understatement. However, I have a favor to ask everyone who visits this site. If you, or someone you know, lives in Utah and has had issues with Utah DCFS and the agency acted improperly during your case, lied, or did anything wrong to harm you or your family, there is a blog reader here who may be able to help. I have been in contact with this blog reader and they want to make sure that this agency is held accountable for their actions. If you have had an issue with Utah DCFS, reply to me via the comment option on this blog with your email address. I won’t publish the comment so it won’t be public, but I will forward your email to the reader who is handling this issue. It is time that agencies like this are held accountable for the bullying, lying, and child trafficking they have been practicing. It is time for people to band together and do something about it. It is time to show these abusers of power that NO ONE is above the law. It’s finally time for people to take a stand. If you live in Utah and have been abused by Utah DCFS, now is the time to take action.

And It Starts Again

Posted: June 9, 2013 in Misc

I told my readers I would update them about Mr. BPD’s epiphany. Well, one of my readers was right. It’s temporary. Just today he attacked me, and this attack was calculated and deliberate and more manipulative than ever. For those of you who are holding out hope for their BPD partners, I’m sorry. I don’t think there is any. Either learn to deal with the bullshit or get out. Things probably won’t change on their part. At least not for any real period of time.

Sometimes Things Change

Posted: June 6, 2013 in Misc

Life has a way of playing games with you. I’m writing this to give some of you out there a bit of hope. People with BPD can indeed have an epiphany. They wake up one day and realize all of the damage that they have done and they decide they want to fix it. At least that is what has happened to Mr. BPD. He just woke up one day and freaked out about the way he treats me. He broke down, apologized, and actually called therapists to make multiple appointments for his different issues. He ordered self-help books from Amazon.com and purchased eBooks to read in the meantime to help him until those books came. What does this mean for me though?

The situation that brought me to him was not ideal, to say the least. The scars I bear aren’t magically erased. My cynicism is not gone. My heart does not belong to him. And all of the things he is doing, I am hoping he is doing for himself and not me. I want him to be a better person for him. Because I cannot be the one he changes for. I cannot be his rock. I cannot love him the way he needs me to. And I feel terrible about these things. 

My emotions are so confused and convoluted right now. Half of me is saying this is just another one of his temporary “nice guy” phases, but there is something different about him. Regardless, I still feel as though I am living a life that is not my own and I am playing a part I was never intended to play. 

For those of you who live with someone with BPD, however, I hope this provides some inspiration. Pray. Pray hard that the person you love will see what he or she is doing to you. Because sometimes prayers are answered. I hope the best for each and every one of you and I will let you know if this was a temporary lapse in his personality. But if he has really changed, I will let you know that too. So you, my readers, can hold out hope. Without hope there is nothing.

That doesn’t help my situation. But for some of you, it may be a source of hope and inspiration. 

If you’re in a relationship with someone with BPD, there’s something you need to realize. No one can save you from the hell your life has become. No one but you anyway. And how you choose to do that is up to you. For some it means breaking free from the relationship. For others it means closing the door on a life that has spiraled out of control. My heart goes out to anyone who is in such a situation.

Many people will ask you, “Why don’t you just leave?” Many of us know the answer isn’t always that simple. Some of us are bound financially. Others are bound by other issues. Whatever binds us is what creates the prison that prevents us from leaving, even though we know that leaving is the only thing that will save us. To an outsider it seems simple. Just walk away. To those of us who live the reality of this hell, the answer is never as simple as that. Our lives become a web that is impossible to get out of.

My point here is that when many of us realize this, we begin looking for someone to save us. We begin to count on a person to be a knight in shining armor. Maybe it’s an ex. Maybe it’s an old friend. Maybe it’s someone who is new to your life. Maybe it’s someone you have loved your whole life. Whoever it is, don’t do it. Don’t fall victim to false hope. I’m going to save you a lot of heartbreak and maybe even your life right now. Because I am going to tell you the cold hard truth before you have to learn the lesson the hard way.

If you’re in this tangled living hell of a web, no one can save you. You either find a way out of it yourself or you don’t get out at all. No one is going to come to your rescue. The only thing that others can offer you is false hope. The only person who will ever truly be there for you is you. It’s an ugly truth, but it’s a truth nonetheless.

I don’t mean to sound so harsh. But every word I type is true. If you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD you are going to lose yourself, if you haven’t done so already. You will want to get out, but there may be no way for you to escape. It’s best to leave before you become this entangled because once you do, you’ll find yourself in a hole that you have no way of getting out of.

Perhaps this won’t be the case for you. Perhaps the person you are with will actually want to change and will actually do so. If this is what you are counting on, please be realistic and realize that the chances of a person with BPD changing are slim. If you’re counting on someone else to save you, don’t. You are the only one who can save yourself, and perhaps not even you can do that. The moral of the story is this…

If you’re already in a relationship with someone who has BPD and you’ve found yourself in this web I speak of, my heart goes out to you. If you are in a new relationship with someone who has the condition and you are not yet entangled, get out now. Run as though your life depends on it, because it may. And don’t count on anyone else to save you. Because in the end that person too will let you down. It’s the nature of the web we weave when we enter into the world of a BPD relationship.

I know this is way off topic, but I wanted to let my readers know about Pittbulls because there are a lot of people out there who are really misinformed about this particular breed.

I’m a dog lover. I always have been. I’ve had dogs since I was 10. Pitbulls, however, were always a no no. I swore I’d never own one, until a friend of mine explained to me how misinformed the public was about the breed. Then, one day, someone from my church was losing their home and I was asked to take their dog for them so they wouldn’t have to put it in a shelter. Being the softie I am, I was more than willing to help. It just so happened, however, that the dog was an American Staffordshire Terrier. A purebred pittbull. I was assured, however, that the dog was very well behaved. Completely house trained. Loving and sweet. I went to meet the dog and he was adorable. I took him home. That was over a year ago. I have never had a problem with him and I can tell you from experience that he is one of the best behaved dogs we have ever owned.

Mr. BPD had a prejudice against pitbulls too. When I brought the first pittbull home I got away with it by using the name of his breed rather than calling him a pittbull. Mr. BPD didn’t catch on that the dog was a pittbul until six months after we had brought him home and I finally told him that the dog he thought was so amazing and well behaved was actually a pitt.

This past weekend there was a humane society that did not have enough room for the dogs they had and there were a number of pittbulls that were going to be put down. We went to adopt one. Had it not been for my first pittbull that we got from the member of my church, we never would have considered it. We used to think these dogs were aggressive and uncontrollable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We brought home a five month old female pittbull this weekend. And she has proven to us that our first pittbull wasn’t just a fluke. The breed really doesn’t deserve the bad name it’s been given.

The five month old that we brought home is completely housebroken. She listens when we tell her no. She adores the baby. If the baby cries she whimpers and runs to us to make sure we are going to do something about it. Today my friend came over and sat in the living room waiting for me to wake up. When I came downstairs the new pittbull followed me as I was going to let her outside and she noticed my friend sitting on the couch. She did not attack. She did not even growl. She just stood in front of me, between my friend and myself, and watched my friend with a leery gaze. I told her it was alright and I gave her a pat and walked over to my friend and the dog was fine. She wasn’t aggressive. She rolled onto her back so my friend could pet her.

The point of this post is, if you believe the stories about all pittbulls being mean, aggressive and dangerous dogs, don’t believe the nonesense. It’s not the dog that’s the problem. It’s the people who have these dogs and train them to be mean and aggressive that are the problem. My pitts are very eager to please. I assume it’s in the breed to want to please their master. If they are trained to be mean and aggressive by the people who own them, then I’m sure that’s what the dog will do. If, however, you adopt a pittbull and train it to be loving and friendly, the dog will be the best dog you have ever had.

If you are considering adopting a dog at any point in the future, please consider a pittbull. They really are amazing dogs. They are loyal, protective and very easy to train. At least that has been my experience with them. Shelters have hard times finding homes for these dogs because of the reputation they have. When you go to adopt a dog, see if any pittbulls are available. You’ll be able to tell right away if the dog is a friendly dog or if it’s been trained to be mean by the way the dog acts. If the dog is friendly, don’t hesitate to adopt it. They really are an amazing breed.

I just wanted to put my two cents out there on this topic to help put the record straight. Pittbulls are not evil, terrible dogs. They can be just as loving as any other dog and make great family pets. If you can open your home to one, I urge you to do so. There are so many that are in need of good, loving homes. It’s a shame that so many of them are put down each year just because people don’t really understand the breed.