Is it Borderline Personality Disorder or Is He Just an Asshole?

Posted: February 4, 2011 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Rants and Raves
Tags: , ,

Okay, I understand that my husband has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I try to be very, very understanding of this fact. However, at times I have to ask myself, are some of his behaviors really due to the condition or is he just an asshole that uses his diagnosis as an excuse to treat everyone around him the way he wants whenever he wants.

I’m not a shrink and I’m not perfect. I’ll be the first one to admit that. But my husband is really starting to piss me off. He holds everyone around him up to the highest standards in the world and gets pissed off when they don’t meet those standards, yet he has no problem with flat-out refusing to hold himself up to those same standards that he sets for everyone else.

My grandmother always told me, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Well, I have to say that this man has no interest in treating anyone around him with respect. He makes it a habit of waking me up in the middle of my sleep and bitching at me for everything and anything that can possibly come to his mind. For example, he went to bed at about one in the morning last night. I wasn’t ready to come upstairs so I can up at about 1:20. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. At 1:45 I am woken up by this man yelling at me for not jumping up the stairs the moment he decided it was time to go to bed. Then he continued to bitch at me about the policy I chose for our auto insurance, the amount of money I paid towards the credit card bill, the model of snow blower I purchased five years ago, the type of gas I put in the car, the way I organize the papers in the kitchen and the type of music my son listens to. No joke. No exaggeration. He bombarded me with all of this bullshit at 1:45 AM. I looked at him, took my pillow and went to sleep downstairs on the couch. I wasn’t in the mood.

At about 4:00 in the morning the cat was bitching at me to get off his spot on the couch and I couldn’t sleep anymore. So I grab my pillow assuming that the ogre would be asleep (which he was) and quietly slipped into bed. Then at about 4:45 I get woken up again. It started all over again. He doesn’t like the toilette paper I buy. He doesn’t like the phone plan I picked out for the kids. He doesn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to sit next to him when we ordered a pay-per-view movie for the kids (geeze, I wonder why?). I calmly explained to him that he needed to shut up and go to bed or I was seriously going to lose it.

Then I woke up this morning and he acted like everything was just peachy keen and, if you can believe it, he wanted to know why I looked so tired and why I was in such a bad mood. Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t exactly get a good night’s sleep and I was still pissed off about all of his bullshit so my exact words to him were, “Oh, so I guess this is the part of the day where I am supposed to be so happy that you aren’t treating me like shit that I gladly kiss your ass?” He didn’t like it. So I told him what I thought. I told him that people have allowed him to get away with acting like a total asshole his whole life that thinks he can just treat people however he wants and not have to suffer any consequences for it. He didn’t want to talk after that.

I guess my question is, does BPD make people act like this, or is this just him being a complete jackass because he thinks he can get away with it and then play the “But I have BPD card” when he gets called on the carpet for being a dick? Because I honestly think that he can control himself if he would choose to, but he’d rather just treat people any way he wants and have them all bow down to him to avoid having to deal with his outbursts and temper tantrums. I don’t think this is just a case of BPD. I think this is a case of a manipulative, emotionally abusive asshole trying to make everyone around him afraid to have their own feelings, opinions, emotions and concerns.

  1. Maggie says:

    It sounds to me like he is, in large part, using his diagnosis as an excuse for his behavior… however it seems as though I can relate to a lot of what he is saying and doing, because I did that kind of stuff in the past. So, I think there’s a bit of the BPD in there too… it’s just greatly exaggerated because he appears to be using it as an excuse. Does that make sense?

    • princessjd says:

      Thank you for your advice Maggie. It makes perfect sense. I think he is using it as an excuse for his behavior too. I am trying very hard to be understanding and patient, but I find it hard to be understanding when he uses his diagnosis as a card to play when he gets called out for acting like a jerk.

  2. BPD_Crazed says:

    Hi, honestly i believe he isn’t justifying his illness i have BPD i’m not just saying this cuz i am BPD like him but when i read this i was like Wow! this is me am i that bad so i guess i wanna say stay strong for him and you i know cuz my husband deals with me god i dont know why but no try to be patient and no dont walk on eggshells either as my hubby sayz buy the book if u can stop walking on eggshells i think its called good-luck

  3. sick_of_it says:

    well at least yours is just bitchy. mine is bitchy AND cheats on me with men and women. i hate borderlines. they should be committed at birth. i’m through with this. WOOO this time he’s gonna change…NOT. you hear that borderlines? you are compulsive-lying TRASH! Do the world a favor and KILL YOURSELVES!

  4. Alleycat8 says:

    OMG. Finally I have an explanation for everything that I’ve been going through for the last 3 years. Thank you for sharing. i’ve only just stumbled across the conclusion that my husband has bpd after three months of seeing a psychologist to make sure i wasn’t the one causing all this. It is this irrational, undeserved anger that gets so out of control, and when they have no recollection of what they’ve said to you – all the more hurtful… the problem is i’ve only diagnosed him myself and now need to get him to a psych or GP for diagnsosis… how did your husband get his diagnosis? Any help you can offer in terms of me getting him help would be greatly appreciated.

    • princessjd says:

      I’m glad some of the info here was able to help. Trust me, I can honestly say that I know what you are going through and right now it probably feels like a living hell. I still go through it, but at least I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

      As far as getting your husband a diagnosis, you have to be really careful who you see. There are some really good shrinks and psychotherapists out there and there are some really, really bad ones. The best advice I can give is do your homework before you make an appointment.

      When it comes to psychiatrists (the ones who can prescribe the meds and help maintain proper medication treatment) the biggest offices aren’t usually the best in my experiences. You want to find a psychiatrist who will actually call you back at 4 in the morning when your husband is having one of his fits and is threatening to leave you. (At least I’m assuming that you experience this because I’ve gone through it frequently). You also want to find one who will refill meds over the phone the same day you need them. My husband’s first psychiatrist had an office staff that made me feel like I was trying to get through to the President anytime there was a problem. This isn’t a good thing. Ask if the doctor handles calls directly and if there is ever going to be a problem scheduling emergency appointments or getting call-in re-fills.

      As far as therapists go (and your husband will need both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Don’t let anyone tell you different), find one who is VERY familiar with BPD. Ask them how many BPD patients they have treated and how many they are treating currently. Good therapists will only treat two to three BPD patients at a time because they can be very hard to handle. If they are handling more than two or three BPD patients or if they are not familiar with BPD, keep going down the list and find another therapist. You might have to drive an hour for appointments with the right therapist. It WILL be worth it.

      Also make sure the psychiatrist AND therapist you find will let you sit in on the initial intake sessions and give feedback. With the psychiatrist, you should be able to sit in on almost every single appointment. With the therapist you should be allowed in on at least half of them to give consistent feedback. As we both know, a BPD’s view on what is going on or what they have done is not actually reality. They aren’t necessarily lying. It’s called confabulation. They believe the things they are saying because in their mind they have re-written what has been done.

      Let me know if you have any other questions. It’s a long road and you have to be sure you can handle it. In the meantime, don’t EVER lose a sense of yourself in the process.

      I also suggest you buy the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. You can find it at Amazon.

      I truly wish you luck and my prayers are with you.

      • Alleycat8 says:

        Thank you for such a detailed response. It’s been heartbreaking reading so may similar stories. After talking to both my GP and psychologist, it seems there is not going to be much I can do. He’s too out of it right now for me to approach the subject with him so I’m going to see his GP and tell him my concerns. Not sure that it will help, but at least i’ve shared what I can with someone who does have the power to reccommend a referral to a psychiatrist. Very sad.

    • Jnet says:

      Hello, I am presently in the same (sinking) boat as you were then. Already bought the Stop walking on eggshells book which confirmed my suspicions. Now he uses the term about how HE is ‘walking on eggshells’… Classic BPD!! Did your husband ever agree to seek help? If so, how?

      • princessjd says:

        My husband did it too. Used the “walking on eggshells” comment against me. I think they do it because they have no sense of self identity so they leach off ours. Plus project on to us. It’s quite a vicious cycle. Yes, he did agree to seek help. How? Well that’s a long story and you’re probably going to think I’m insane but it worked and he sought help. I held a knife to him after finally reaching my breaking point and told him he had three choices. He could leave, he could get help, or he could die. He chose to get help. Can’t say it’s made him much better though. I mean, he is better, but he still has classic BPD characteristics. Then again I was told it could take years to see real change. I don’t suggest holding a knife to your husband. One, because you might end up in jail and if I end up in jail chances are I get out right away. Most people don’t have that luxury. You could give him the other two options though.

  5. Stacey T says:

    Yes, that is exactly how people with bpd act. My ex is bpd and he did the same thing.

  6. Jen says:

    This post is probably too old for you to respond to me. My husband acts the way you describe your H’s behavior. He has not been diagnosed. He thinks everyone else is crazy. He verbally abuses me daily over things that are out of my control and then acts like nothing ever happened. It seems like he has “episodes” where I can sense an oncoming outburst a few days in advance. He has this look in his eye that tells me he is on his way to having a total tantrum/episode. Then he gives me silent treatment for 24-48 hours. Tells me he deserves better treatment etc etc then he slowly acts “normal” like things are good with us. He will even say loving things like “I’ve never been so happy “. So I guess reading your post has helped me.

  7. Ibiddie says:

    Is it BPD or is he just an @ssh0le? My question is, ‘Does it matter?’ You shouldn’t have to be treated like this- for any reason. If your husband had a disorder that made him punch you in the face every so often, would you accept that? I’m there with the most stringent of the ‘marriage is for life’ crowd, but abuse is abuse. I can see wanting to work through PTSD with the husband who was nothing but loving before the trauma, but an inherent disfunction in WHO HE IS? What’s the best case scenario? That he is less of an @ssh0le sometime in the future-maybe? Life is short. If tomorrow you found out you were dying, would you feel like you’d been wasting time with this man? Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t cherish you.

    • princessjd says:

      Actually your post strikes close to home? Will I die tomorrow? Probably not tomorrow, but soon. I was diagnosed with stage IVB ovarian cancer. I haven’t been posting much. Ironically, after a few years of cognitive behavioral therapy as well as some inpatient treatment my husband has changed significantly. He still has “episodes” but maybe 2 a year compared to 2 a day. He has been my rock, taking me to treatment, holding my hair back while I puke. I also have a beautiful toddler with him. Was all the hell worth it? Yes. Because I’m not sure many men would stand by me through something like this. My best friend admitted it was hard to watch me fall apart like this. I catch my husband crying every so often, feeling guilty for what he had done to me before he was treated. I can’t say it’s a happy ending, with everything considered, but I don’t consider my time with him time wasted. He’s become my rock during this. I can’t say everyone would have the success we had. It took years of work and a lot of hell to go through, but in the end it did pay off.

      • jaime says:

        Hope you are still here and doing well princessjd.

      • princessjd says:

        Oh I’m still here 🙂 Just been through a shit storm of stuff since moving to Florida. I’ll post about it later. Long story short, was diagnosed with cancer then some asshat doctor almost killed me by prescribing me an overdose of pills and that caused permanent heart damage which we are trying to fix now. Always look into any prescriptions you’re written. Research them before swallowing them. Had I done that I wouldn’t be in this position.

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