Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

Posted: February 9, 2011 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Rants and Raves

I have tried very, very hard to be the stable, selfless and giving person that I have always imagined myself to be. When the step-kids came out to live with us, I knew that there would be challenges. When my husband moved in with me, I knew that his BPD was going to be hard to deal with. However, I was not prepared to deal with a husband with BPD, a step-son with BPD and a step-daughter with some form of mental illness that hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I am finally admitting that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Dealing with children who have mental illness is never easy under the best of circumstances. Dealing with these illnesses when their father has his own illness and somehow blames any issues that arise on you makes it even harder. Unless it is my husband and his own kids acting up, he has no patience for anyone — including my children. He made brownies last night. Supposedly there is one missing. He immediately blamed my oldest son. I kindly explained to him that there are four other children living in this house and it could have been any of them. He proceeded to explain (in no rational terms) how it could not possibly have been his children and how it had to have been my son.

Now, if my son did something, I will hold him accountable for it. But I know for a fact that this man is all too willing to blame everything that goes wrong on either me or my son. And I’m fed up with it. How does he know it wasn’t his daughter? How does he know it wasn’t his son? And for all that matter, if it was my son, does it really matter that he took an extra brownie in light of everything that goes on in this house?

As I’ve said before, this man holds everyone around him up to standards that he would absolutely refuse to meet himself. It’s growing old. I can take all the emotional abuse someone dishes at me. I’m a strong person. I’ve seen and been through a lot of shit. However, when someone starts treating my kids like shit, that’s where I draw the line. I tried being there for my step-kids, but I am not going to let this man hurt them emotionally. I am aware that his BPD causes him to act certain ways, but I fully believe that he also flat-out refuses to address his own issues and would be content to let everyone around him suffer if it meant never taking accountability for his own actions.

Things are going to change. I know I’ve said that before, but trust me, they are. I will not be putting up with his shit for much longer.

Comments
  1. Maggie says:

    From what I have read so far, you have tried very hard to remain level-headed and sane. There’s no excuse for what your husband is putting you through, though. Good luck!

    • princessjd says:

      Thank you Maggie. I need the luck. The last time I tried to leave him he ended up on suicide watch after slitting his wrist. I do care about him, but I refuse to be a door mat anymore. He refuses to stop the bullshit and then plays the “But I have BPD” card every time he gets called out for acting like a jackass. I understand that he has BPD and if he was even willing to try the least bit to control his behaviors it would be one thing, but he doesn’t even want to try. He’d rather everyone cater to him and bow down to his moods. I know BPD is hard to live with and I honestly admire the people who have it and do try to cope with it. He, however, would rather abuse everyone around him than take accountability for his words and his actions and moods. That’s just not right.

      • Maggie says:

        He’s never going to get better unless he takes responsibility for his actions… I know you must love him, or you wouldn’t still be with him. I hope that he does wake up one day and realize how hard he is being on his family (and extended family, at that). It can happen… it’s happened before and will happen again. You all are in my thoughts! đŸ™‚

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