Facing Addictions — Sharing Some Personal Information

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Misc, Rants and Raves
Tags: , ,

I know I have ranted to my blog readers about the flaws of others, but I am also willing to point out my own flaws if there is any chance that my experiences can help others.

Over the past few days I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am dependent on Vicodin. I tried to figure out when this happened, and I realize it occurred as I was dealing with the emotional turmoil of my relationship with a person suffering from BPD. I am not blaming him for my addiction. That would be wrong. I let things get out of hand, but I need people to realize how easy it is to become addicted to anything — even legally prescribed drugs.

It started out about two years ago. I have taken Vicodin in the past for pain that I get from an old injury that I suffered when I got ran over by a horse (long story). However, when I started dating the man with BPD, I began taking more. If he was having a mood swing and I got a headache, Vicodin would come to the rescue. Then he’d have a mood swing and I wouldn’t have a headache, but I’d pop one or two Vicodin anyway just to numb the emotional chaos. As I went to my prescription bottle the other day and realized I had downed 60 Vicodin in about two weeks, I realized something was seriously wrong.

I tried just quitting cold turkey and, to put it mildly, the side effects suck so I am obviously physically addicted at this point. I spoke to my doctor when I realized what happened and, while it wasn’t easy to admit, I had to tell her that my problem with Vicodin was an issue that I needed to resolve. I guess I am going to have to wean off of it.

This is not something that I am proud of, but I think that people need to realize that even if pills are prescribed to you by your doctor, it is possible to become addicted and to misuse them. My doctor never questioned my requests for refills because I am not the type of person one would think would be addicted to anything. From the outside looking in, I have a seemingly “perfect” life and really have it together. That’s probably because I really used to be that person who had it all, so I know how to put on the good game face. My blog readers probably know more about who I am now than some of my closest friends do. The past two years have definitely changed me. Does that mean I’m giving up? Absolutely not. I am going to learn from this, grow from it, share anything from my experiences that will help others and one day I am sure that things will work out. In the meantime, this Vicodin thing kinda threw me a curve.

  1. Maggie says:

    I know that can be a struggle. Best of luck to you.

  2. Julie says:

    I am literally crying my eyes out right now! I found your blog online by fluke and I have to say.. finally! I don’t feel like I am crazy! I have never met anyone else who has a husband w/ BPD. All these years (15 yrs he and I have been together) I have driven myself crazy trying to make it work. I became an alcoholic even. Very long story, but I’m in recovery now. I left him 7 months ago but have been on the fence about whether or not to divorce. Thank you So Much for sharing your story. You are changing my life – I found you just in time to save myself

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