Some Personal Insights about My BPD Experience

Posted: February 18, 2011 in Borderline Personality Disorder
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days. I kind of feel like I’ve been riding around on a roller coaster with no way to escape for the past two years and I’ve suddenly been let off. I am now at the stage where I am walking around, somewhat dazed, wondering how the hell I got here and what happened.

I am hoping, that by sharing my experiences about what has happened, some of the people who are in the same situation I was in will be able to gain some insight into their own situation.

First, let me say again that I do not completely blame this man’s borderline personality disorder for the problems in our relationship. I know that not all people with BPD are evil. They are not all manipulative. Some of them are amazing people who are just able to feel more deeply than most of the world. I do not envy their struggles and I will not for one second assume that their condition defines them. My experience is with the BPD that I had loved. Please remember that everyone is different, and so is every relationship.

I had to ask myself recently, what was it that I saw in this man? What was it that made me so afraid to lose him from my life completely in the past? In all honesty, if I am going to be brutally truthful, I enabled this man to treat me the way he did because I had some deep-seeded abandonment issues that I had never faced before.

When I fell in love with this man, I didn’t really know him. I knew the “ideal” of him. The side of him that put me on a pedestal and told me I was perfect. The side of him that made me feel loved. I was used to being ignored or, at the most, gawked at like a Barbie doll without a soul. He made me feel truly cared about. He would constantly text me asking me if I was doing okay. He paid a lot of attention to me. I needed that at that point in time. When that side disappeared and his true colors started to show, I was afraid of losing all of the good things I had with him, not realizing that those things never really existed.

Another thing I had to face was that I was all too willing to fall for the lies and hide the behaviors he was exhibiting because I was running away from other stresses in life when I met this person. So when this man would go into a BPD rage, I would get scared thinking that I was going to lose something very important, not realizing that I was imprisoning myself in my own personal hell and that I was living my life in constant fear. I tried to make everything better for him and tried to hide his behaviors from his kids. I felt like everything was my responsibility — that if I just tried harder I could make it work.

It took a lot for me to realize that I was enabling a person to emotionally abuse me. I am a “fixer” by nature. If I see someone in need of help, I always think it’s my job to fix it. It took a heck of a lot for me to realize that his problems were not mine to fix. Not only was it not my responsibility to fix this man, it would be impossible for me to do so. He is very ill and has straight out told me he knows something is very wrong with him and that he hurts people, but it’s just “too much work” to do anything about it. Well, if he can’t put effort into his behavior, neither can I. It was a hard lesson to learn and I have emotional and physical scars from the battle.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this… If you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD, don’t automatically assume that the relationship won’t work. Some people with BPD are willing to recognize their condition and take measures to correct some of the BPD behaviors. If, however, you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD and they are not willing to accept any of the responsibility for their outbursts, it is not your job to fix it. You have to reach a point where you ask yourself, what am I getting from this relationship? Are you holding onto something that never really existed in the first place? Because that’s what I was doing. I was clinging to illusions as though they were the last safe harbor on earth. I obviously have issues of my own to have done this for so long. However, now that I have hopped off this roller coaster I see something I had never realized before. This man was not my lifeline. He was not my knight in shining armor. I will do just fine without him.

I am going to update my blog readers on the progress of my emotional evolution in hopes that it will give some people hope and others the sounding board they need to understand that they are not alone.

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Comments
  1. Maggie says:

    Very insightful post! I am glad you realized these things…that is very important for your emotional well-being! Good luck, as always!

  2. K says:

    Thank you for this post. It is helpful, very helpful.

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