I am beginning to think this is a losing battle. If it wasn’t for some obligations that I have to certain people my life would be much easier.

Mr. BPD forgot to take his meds before going to work. He calls me after he leaves, three times (my phone was on silent so I didn’t hear) and texts me three times accusing me of cheating on him. All within about 15 minutes. I call him back as soon as I see that he has tried calling me and I explain to him that I was cleaning the aquarium so I didn’t have my phone by me so I didn’t hear it when it vibrated. Of course he already knew this because I was cleaning the aquarium when he left for work, but I guess I’m going to hell for not holding it in my hand every second of every day.

Anyway, he tells me he forgot his meds. Okay, even though he works an hour away I agree to get my car from the shop and take his meds to him. I get a ride to the mechanic, explain that I’ll have it back again on Monday, begin getting ready to go to Melrose Park (again, an hour away from where we live) and he texts me and says he doesn’t want his meds.

I guess Mr. BPD doesn’t feel that his medication is necessary because there is obviously nothing wrong with him. It’s now not just 90 percent my fault, everything is 100 percent my fault and according to him, and I better stop “my” shit.

His mood swings had gotten better when he started taking medication. Now he’s just a full-blown asshole again and for some reason he thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to make me his emotional punching bag.

I’m sick of this roller coaster and he just doesn’t get it. Everyone who cares about me (the ones who are too stubborn and too scary and insane to be driven away by him) sees what he is doing to me and they are getting sick of it. In fact, I had a conversation today that went something like this:

Friend/Family Member: We’re getting sick of this. We’re just going to kick his ass.

Me: That doesn’t fix anything. He’ll still be an asshole. You can’t stop him from being an asshole.

Friend/Family Member: Yes, we can. We can beat the shit out of him and teach him a lesson.

Me: That would accomplish nothing. He’ll just leave.

Friend/Family Member: We can take care of that too.

Me: You can’t stop him from moving from Chicago back to Utah.

Friend/Family Member: No, but we can make sure he gets random ass kickings for the rest of his life if he does.

Me: There’s other ways to deal with it. Let’s just hope he gets better without violence right now.

So, there you have it. And the thing is, Mr. BPD KNOWS these people will kick his ass. He just doesn’t know that they know how badly he’s been treating me. He is afraid of them and he kisses their asses and acts like Mr. Congeniality in front of them. Then in private he’s a total dick. I wonder what he’d do if he knew that they know?

Anyway, I want to avoid violence. And if, at some point in time, anyone gives this guy a beating, it’s going to be me. I’m a big girl now. I have been fighting my own battles for a while. While this relationship is not the status quo of how I deal with things and everyone thinks that I’ve gone mad because I let this guy treat me like shit, trust me, I have not gone from Pit Bull to puppy. That part of me is still there. I choose to control it. What I am worried about, however, is that this guy is going to push me to the point where I won’t want to control it anymore. If that happens, years of bullshit are going to fall on him all at once.

Comments
  1. LF says:

    Hi. I understand what you are going through. My girlfriend has had BPD symtoms that started about 8 months after we started dating. She may have had smptoms before our relationship started but that is something I am not sure of. She started having irrational rage to everyday occurences and no matter what I did, I only made it worse. She would tear apart our home and break things of sentimental value of mine with no regard. She would only say that it was my fault she had reacted that way. At one point, she was violent. I asked to leave and get help. She left and cheated on me. She said that I had broken up with her and she to find “emotional support from a close friend”. This is outragious as I asked to leave and get help so that we could have peace in our home. I also made sure she knew that this was not a break up. I decided that if it was truely a mental condition, that I wanted to help and support her. I know for myself, I wouldn’t want to be abandoned by her had I been going through the same thing. The deal was that she would seek therapy and get to the bottom of the rage she had at times. It was 3 days after she came back that I had found out that she had cheated. I just had this gut feeling so I did the unforbidden and looked at her phone to see text messagesthqat implicated infidelity. She fessed up. I can’t put into words the pain I still feel. This was in June. We have gon to couples therapy and she was going to her own therapist as well. Her primary physician prescribed her Pristiq. However, she has never been given a diagnosis as far as I am told. She has every symptom that someone with BPD has. Now it is October. She has stopped going to therapy but the meds are amazing. However, she forgets from time to time to take the medication and those times are complete hell on earth. The latest was yesterday. She completely ransacked our house and then left for work. Why? Because she asked me to shut the bathroom door while she was in the shower. I said ‘ok, hold on a minute”. She yellled at me calling me an idiot. I left the house to run to the store. I left my phone in the car and when I got back, I had the most horriffic texts. Accusations of hiding her work badge and shoes, accusing me of screwing with her job, threats to move out because I just screwed up! This is what happens if she forgets to take her med two days in a row. She blames me for when she forgets because I put her medication in the cabinet instead of leaving it out on the nightstand where the dogs can get to it. She doesnt always put the cap back on all the way. When she remembers to take her medication, life is sweet and normal. So now I’m beginning to wonder, is this all worth it? What if she needs to go off Pristiq because she is pregnant with our child someday?? And do I even want to bring a child into this situation? So I understand and I thought explaining my own situation would help.

    • princessjd says:

      Thank you for sharing. Here’s my advice and I know it’s harsh by my patience has gone right out the window when it comes to this condition. Not the condition in general, but the high-functioning BPDs who know exactly what they are doing and don’t do a damn thing to stop it.

      Leave. Just get out and go. You deserve a normal life and to have a child one day and NO you do not want to bring a child into this relationship.

      No matter how much you love, no matter how much you care and no matter how stubborn or helpful you may be, you can NOT fix her. It’s just not worth it to even try unless you like beating your head against a brick wall.

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