More Stories from the Dark Side

Posted: January 31, 2012 in Misc

I haven’t posted in a long, long time. Those of you who are in a situation somewhat like mine can probably understand why. Sometimes we are so busy picking up the pieces of our lives and trying to keep them glued together that everything else falls to the wayside.

So, have things changed for me? Yes and no. I’m still living with this man, but don’t plan on doing this shit forever. It’s not a matter of if, it’s just a matter of when. Until then, I thought some of you could relate to some of my more recent experiences…

1) It was kindly explained to me (by Mr. BPD) that I am the reason he feels like he is in trouble all of the time. That he never does anything wrong and that I get mad for no reason. Can we say projection?

2) Mr. Wonderful does my laundry and then tells me that I have “made him my bitch” by making him do it, when I never even asked him to lift a finger (trust me, I know better).

3) I am now homeschooling my son and was informed that I am too “stupid” to do so properly (regardless of my 138 IQ). Then again, I’m stupid enough to be in this so maybe he has a point…

4) I have been accused of cheating on this man about 10 times in the past 10 days, but when I ask him what took him so long to get home from work (because I was genuinely concerned, God knows why) he ripped my head off and said I was paranoid and that I “jumped his shit”, which I did not. But there was no point in arguing so I went to bed until his “mood” had passed.

5) I have been informed that everyone he works with is stupid and everything that goes wrong is everyone else’s fault and that he hates his job because he can’t stand stupid people. Never mind the fact that he was set up with a nice-paying job in a shitty economy.

6) Apparently, my children should be housekeeping slaves and I am a bad parent for not making them mop the floors and clean the bathrooms.

7) I supposedly let the dogs sleep on his side of the bed while he’s at work just so they will get dirt on it and piss him off. Delusional.

8) I am told that I am a pill addict, which I know I am with my Vicodin but who can blame me at this point. He, however, is not complaining about my Vicodin usage. He is bitching about my Klonopin, which I was prescribed (and take as prescribed) because he has turned me into a nervous wreck.

9) Apparently I give him dirty looks all the time, even when I’m not looking at him. I can be in a completely different room and he’ll yell at me for rolling my eyes at him. It used to bother me. Now I DO roll my eyes and laugh my ass off on the inside realizing just how stupid this all is.

So, how do you feel about your life now? Hopefully it’s better than this. This is not living. This is existence. And no, I don’t want sympathy. I want someone to learn from this.

If you are in such a relationship, it’s NOT going to get better. Ever. It might get a little better here and there, but overall things will not change. You will change. You will waste away into a shell of what you used to be. Like I said, I can’t end it right now due to personal reasons. I do look forward to the day that I can tell him to get the hell out of my life when he starts one of his tirades. On that day, I will not only help him pack, I will pay for his ride to the airport.

Comments
  1. Kelly says:

    Oh, honey. I am laughing inside right now. Not because any of what you say is funny, but because after 4 years of marriage, I have not only found a “diagnosis” for my husband’s little fits, but because it would appear, I’m NOT ALONE!!!!!! You don’t know what that does for me!
    After punching out the car stereo -really can’t even remember why, and calling me a slut – he is now shut in our room with his bottle. Self-medication is really the pits. We have been able to set some boundaries. He has complied with remaining in the bedroom – so far. I said I was going to my mom’s and would be back tomorrow. He at least was able to say he didn’t want me to leave and I told him I’d stay if he didn’t come out of the room.

    He’d really been doing much better about the drinking and I thought we were headed in the right direction. Then BAM! Today. He’s been a slug on the couch since being laid off 3 years ago.

    Please don’t be offended by my flip talk – tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type. I feel a sense of relief that even though I know cognitively it’s not about me, his behavior still rips through my heart. I understand you sticking it out. We just purchased property and are planning to move in the next few months. Hopefully, living off the land will help. He’s really gotten into raising chickens and I think it’s actually helping. After our transition, I have decided to give it a year…better, I’ll hang in there, same or worse, we’ll, you get the idea.

    Have you been able to even talk to your husband about what’s going on with him? Does he take medication? If he is aware…….how did you get there?

  2. hangin'in says:

    MODERATOR:
    I realized my name was part of my posting. As I’m sure you’ll understand, I’d rather change that.
    Could you put my name as “hangin’in”?
    Thanks

  3. hangin'in says:

    Oh, honey. I am laughing inside right now. Not because any of what you say is funny, but because after 4 years of marriage, I have not only found a “diagnosis” for my husband’s little fits, but because it would appear, I’m NOT ALONE!!!!!! You don’t know what that does for me!
    After punching out the car stereo -really can’t even remember why, and calling me a slut – he is now shut in our room with his bottle. Self-medication is really the pits. We have been able to set some boundaries. He has complied with remaining in the bedroom – so far. I said I was going to my mom’s and would be back tomorrow. He at least was able to say he didn’t want me to leave and I told him I’d stay if he didn’t come out of the room.

    He’d really been doing much better about the drinking and I thought we were headed in the right direction. Then BAM! Today. He’s been a slug on the couch since being laid off 3 years ago.

    Please don’t be offended by my flip talk – tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type. I feel a sense of relief that even though I know cognitively it’s not about me, his behavior still rips through my heart. I understand you sticking it out. We just purchased property and are planning to move in the next few months. Hopefully, living off the land will help. He’s really gotten into raising chickens and I think it’s actually helping. After our transition, I have decided to give it a year…better, I’ll hang in there, same or worse, we’ll, you get the idea.

    Have you been able to even talk to your husband about what’s going on with him? Does he take medication? If he is aware…….how did you get there?

  4. gaia says:

    I’m sorry, I’m laughing because it is just so RIDICULOUS sometimes isn’t it? There are moments when my H is going off with some insane shit and I have to work hard not to smile because it is just so fucking ridiculous that it makes me want to LAUGH in his face…

  5. M says:

    It is heartbreaking….. the projection, the ability to twist anything/everything you ever say, the grudge holding, the paranoia, the controlling, the blaming, the double standards, and the false accusations. I have spent countless hours in confusion, questioning myself – did i really say that, do that, how the hell was that misunderstood, how can even my positive qualities be so horrible, how come i can never say/do anything right, why do i always feel i am being set up to fail, why am i damned if i do/ damned if i don’t, always being put in a no win situation, always accepting blame and told I need to change. So you try harder…. God forbid your human, have needs, make mistakes, say the wrong thing, question any decisions, stand up for yourself/children, or show dissapointment – you are punished…. if a memory of a past relationship is triggered, you are blamed for someone elses faults and you are punished. The worst abuse isn’t while you are in the relationship because there are also very fun, loving, caring, tender times. the worst comes when the relationship reaches it’s end, all the blame, shame, guilt are dumped on you, you are now the enemy (you are now painted only black) the relationship/your character is rewritten to justify treating you accordingly and the most heartbreaking part is you have been conditioned to accept it so they can move on immediatly and you are left cleaning up the mess -questioning who you are and what the hell happened. It is so true that over time, surrounding yourself with someone who is in denial of their mental health issues, does really make you question your own sanity.

    • princessjd says:

      It is heartbreaking. What they do after the breakup is worse. And with people with bpd it truly is “out of sight, out of mind.” You are left the only one caring and there isn’t a damn thing you can do. Of course that is after they have completely thrown you under the bus to every one they know or will know.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s