I’m Sorry, Wait No It’s Still All Your Fault

Posted: March 2, 2012 in Misc

So last night Mr. BPD comes home all sorry about what he did earlier in the day, acting like a kicked puppy, again, and tries to hug me like it’s going to make it all better. Then, after he apologizes, he tells me that he understands why I am the way “I” am. First of all, keep your hands away from me. Second of all, I may not be perfect but his problems are far from being my fault.

I am beginning to realize that part of this “man’s” problems is that his entire life, up until I entered it, he was surrounded by enablers. His ex wife enabled him (not on purpose, she turned out to be a good woman regardless of what i was told about her) by not pointing out that there was something seriously wrong with him before she left him. His mother enabled him by allowing him to behave the way he does and never teaching him respect for others. His whole family enabled him by looking the other way as he drank himself to death and acted like an asshole whenever he felt like it. I have a serious problem with enablers. So then comes me, who is the furthest thing from an enabler that you will find, and I go and fuck it all up for him. Whoops.

So, this realization has led me to another insight regarding BPD. The condition itself is not what causes the “horror stories” about raging assholes (that I live with). It is the way the people grow up. If a child who has signs of BPD is given treatment early on and is in an environment where the issue is addressed, I’m willing to bet my ass that the child will not grow up to be like this man. On the other hand, if they are allowed to indulge in their asshat ways, then this is the result. Moral of the story? Don’t be an enabler and if you have a kid with an emotional problem, don’t just ignore it or hope it will go away or live your life in denial because by doing so, you eventually make someone else’s life a living hell.

Are all people with BPD jerks? No. Absolutely not. There are those who are aware that their actions hurt others and want to do something about it. Then there are the ones like the one I live with, who really just don’t give a damn. It’s their way or no way and they don’t want to have to put any effort into making themselves better. They just want everyone in the world around them to be perfect and play the role of emotional punching bag whenever they see fit.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. You can NOT fix someone with BPD if they don’t want to help themselves. They won’t change. Nothing is going to magically make things better. It’s just going to get worse. Unless you have a magic wand, don’t even bother. Get your self esteem up off the floor and get out of the relationship because no one deserves this crap.

  1. Sherri says:

    I don’t know how to contact you by email so I guess I’ll do it here. I don’t know how you have lived in this hell this long. I found your website searching for “what makes a parent unfit”. So then I read more, and then some more…you sound like me…about 7 years ago, only I was 20 with a 6 month old and finally decided one day this is NOT the life I deverve, nor does my child need to see his father go through life this way so I got out. I saw an opening and I GOT OUT. It was the best decision I have EVER made in my entire life. My ex husband was EXACTLY like Mr.BPD. To the Tee! Its ALWAYS someone elses fault, and if its nobody elses fault…well then it was certainly mine!!
    Bull-shit. “Nobody will ever love you because nobody would be able to put up with your shit like I do” Yeah…thats the story I heard everyday for years. So now…I have primary custody of our son. Who is 7 years old now. I also have another child. I have been with the same man for 6 years now and we are HAPPILY married. He loves me for me. No matter what. I know more now than I ever did during my Brainwashed days as a young girl that it wasn’t me after all…I was him. It was HIM! My ex Mr.BPD…lives with his 70some year old grandparents…he has no home of his own, no car, no license, under the table side job only, no child support…terrible credit, and has been on and off drugs since I left him years ago. He has been married and divorced again already and that took place within the same year..(poor girl, he put her through the ringer too.) I have even had one ex girlfriend of his call me to ask me if she should leave him because he hit her…what an idiot!! I’m just thankful that it didn’t get past the emotional abuse before I got out. Whew! He can’t understand why I will only allow our son to stay only in the care of his grandparents, and that my son is not to leave with him to go ANYWHERE at all. I don’t care if it to the store for 5 minutes…HE can’t go! I don’t go out and look for dirt on this man…the dirt finds me. I know enough to know that he has been on and off heroin for the past year now. He is a peice of shit. I have to argue with him from time to time..but all I can tell him is–cooperate with me or don’t see your son at all. Take it or leave it. Why must I continue to explain myself to this man?! “I always have to cooperate with you! You NEVER cooperate with me!” he says. Well yes..that is the case ex husband…I cooperate with you by allowing you to see your son at all! Thats all I need to give you! I do not owe you anything. You owe me for all the years you stole from me! I didn’t enjoy highshcool! I wasn’t allowed to! I couldn’t have girlfriends, I couldn’t go out with friends…he made me choose between him and my BEST friend once and my dumbass chose him! I have my freind back though..Thank GOD. So…with all that said..and I’m sorry it was so long..but reading your words just confirms my knowing that he is a lunatic and that I knew it all along. He will not seek help and I know he never will. I just want him out of my life. I got about 10 years left, I’ve made it through 7 now…just stay strong and I can wipe my hands clean of him when my son is 18. I can only hope. Its a nightmare my friend and I wish you the best. I pray for you. I don’t really know why you are still with him…

    • princessjd says:

      Not many people understand why I am still with him. It’s actually a very long and complicated story. I will one day, like you, wipe my hands clean of him. Until that day comes when I can do that, I’m kind of just stuck in a limbo of hell.

  2. t says:

    hilarious….and sad 😦 love the candor of your blog….i have a hubby with undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and 9yr old son as well (gives his brother and sister a way to go! i homeschool him…i love your word: asshat! you are in my prayers….please pray for me as well…

    • princessjd says:

      I will, of course, pray for you. Living with them when they aren’t diagnosed is even harder because then they have no diagnosis for you to stand firm on and in their eyes everything is your fault. It’s a frustrating condition, to say the least.

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