Sometimes Things Change

Posted: June 6, 2013 in Misc

Life has a way of playing games with you. I’m writing this to give some of you out there a bit of hope. People with BPD can indeed have an epiphany. They wake up one day and realize all of the damage that they have done and they decide they want to fix it. At least that is what has happened to Mr. BPD. He just woke up one day and freaked out about the way he treats me. He broke down, apologized, and actually called therapists to make multiple appointments for his different issues. He ordered self-help books from Amazon.com and purchased eBooks to read in the meantime to help him until those books came. What does this mean for me though?

The situation that brought me to him was not ideal, to say the least. The scars I bear aren’t magically erased. My cynicism is not gone. My heart does not belong to him. And all of the things he is doing, I am hoping he is doing for himself and not me. I want him to be a better person for him. Because I cannot be the one he changes for. I cannot be his rock. I cannot love him the way he needs me to. And I feel terrible about these things. 

My emotions are so confused and convoluted right now. Half of me is saying this is just another one of his temporary “nice guy” phases, but there is something different about him. Regardless, I still feel as though I am living a life that is not my own and I am playing a part I was never intended to play. 

For those of you who live with someone with BPD, however, I hope this provides some inspiration. Pray. Pray hard that the person you love will see what he or she is doing to you. Because sometimes prayers are answered. I hope the best for each and every one of you and I will let you know if this was a temporary lapse in his personality. But if he has really changed, I will let you know that too. So you, my readers, can hold out hope. Without hope there is nothing.

That doesn’t help my situation. But for some of you, it may be a source of hope and inspiration. 

Comments
  1. Michele says:

    It doesn’t last, the changes. As fast as they come to light is how fast they will disappear. You will still be blamed, for not being as supportive as you should be, for not forgiving quick enough, for being to negitive for holding him accountable for his past behavior and actions. He will be more knowledgeable and have words to use against you that he learns in therapy and he will point his finger at you and tell you that you are the messed up one. It will still be your fault!!!! I’m sorry to even say that but it’s true and it’s heartbreaking. My heart and prayers go out to you because I’ve been there thru the “epiphany” and it’s almost worse then before 😦

    • princessjd says:

      I’m sure you’re right. In the back of my head I keep hearing, “It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.” If things do take a turn for the worse again, I’ll let everyone know. If he really has changed for the better, I’ll let them know that too so that they can hold out hope. My situation is really messed up because even if he has changed, it really doesn’t make a difference. I hope he does get better, but for himself not for me.

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